Open relationship vs swinging vs polyamory: what is the difference?

"Ethical non-monogamy", or ENM, is the umbrella term for any relationship where the people involved openly agree that romance or intimacy does not have to be exclusive. The word "ethical" (some people prefer "consensual") is doing the work: everyone knows, everyone agrees, and the rules are negotiated rather than assumed.

Under that umbrella sit several quite different ways of living. The three you hear about most are swinging, open relationships and polyamory. They overlap, and plenty of people move between them over the years, but they start from different questions.

The one-line version

• Swinging asks: what experiences could we enjoy, together, with other people?
• An open relationship asks: can each of us have experiences with other people, while our relationship stays the main one?
• Polyamory asks: can we love more than one person, with real relationships, not just encounters?

Swinging

Swinging is couple-centered and social. Partners usually go out together, to lifestyle socials, club nights, hotel takeovers, resort weeks and cruises, and any experience with others tends to happen with both partners present or nearby. The emotional relationship stays closed; the social life opens up. Because it is built around events, swinging has the most organized infrastructure of any form of ENM: venues, dress codes, house rules and an etiquette you will meet almost everywhere. Read what is swinging for the full picture.

Typical agreements: we attend together, we decide together, either of us can veto, we keep it physical and friendly rather than romantic.

Open relationships

In an open relationship, the couple is still the primary partnership, but each person may date or have intimate experiences with others independently. Some couples keep it to occasional encounters; some allow ongoing connections. Open relationships tend to rely less on events and more on dating apps and personal networks, because partners are often not meeting people together.

Typical agreements: what is allowed, how much you share afterwards, whether there are off-limits people (friends, colleagues, exes), safer-sex rules and how much time is fair.

Polyamory

Polyamory is about relationships, not just experiences. A polyamorous person may have more than one partner they love and commit to, with everyone aware of everyone else. Some people organize this hierarchically (a "primary" partner and others); others reject hierarchy altogether. Polyamory has a strong culture of community meetups, workshops on communication and jealousy, and conferences. On YOS you will find many of these listed as socials, workshops and munches and meetups.

Typical agreements: how time and attention are shared, what each relationship can grow into, how new partners are introduced and how everyone stays informed.

Side by side

• Who leads: swinging is couple-led; open relationships are individual within a couple; polyamory is relationship-led.
• Where people meet: swinging mostly at events and clubs; open relationships mostly through dating; polyamory through dating and community groups.
• Feelings: swinging usually keeps romance at home; open relationships vary; polyamory welcomes it.
• Together or apart: swingers usually go together; open and poly partners often date separately.

The in-between options

Real relationships rarely fit neatly into one box, which is why other words exist:

• Monogamish: mostly monogamous, with occasional agreed exceptions.
• Vacation rules: couples who are only open while traveling, often at lifestyle resorts or on cruises.
• Relationship anarchy: no default hierarchy or rules; each connection is defined on its own terms.
• Solo polyamory: a person who has multiple relationships but does not build a household or "couple" with anyone.

If none of these fits perfectly, you are in good company. In a YouGov poll of 1,000 US adults in February 2023, 26% placed their ideal relationship somewhere between complete monogamy and complete non-monogamy, and 34% overall said their ideal was something other than complete monogamy.

How common is it?

Estimates vary depending on how the question is asked. One of the most cited studies, by researchers affiliated with the Kinsey Institute (Haupert et al., 2017), surveyed two national samples of single Americans (3,905 and 4,813 people) and found that more than one in five, 21.9% and 21.2%, had engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives. That figure covers every form described above, not one in particular.

Which one is right for you?

Start with what you each want, not with a label:

1. If the appeal is shared adventure and a social scene, swinging events are the most structured, easiest place to start.
2. If the appeal is individual freedom inside a secure relationship, an open arrangement may fit better, and it needs especially clear agreements.
3. If the appeal is more love, not just more experiences, polyamory and its community groups are the place to learn.

Whichever way you lean, the same skills matter: honest conversation, clear agreements, and the willingness to renegotiate. Our guide to talking to your partner about opening up is a good next read.

Finding your people

Most of the events on the YOS calendar are swinger-oriented club nights, but every city also has socials, workshops and meetups that welcome the wider ENM world.